cocolover

What is it about weight? I mean, honestly, when people look at me do they view me differently because I’m not Kate Moss or Keira Knightley? How does restricting what I eat, abstaining from guilty but giddy midnight snacks, and exercising my ass off make me a better person or gain me more respect? I understand if it was in the standpoint of someone who was dangerously obese and needed to lose weight for social and healthy purposes, but here I am, bitching about my weight at 5 foot 4 119 pounds. I know, it’s not ideal, it’s not supermodel. But it’s not fat, that’s for damn sure. For the longest I can remember I admired those thin, gorgeous girls and wished that my softness would disappear and I too could be thin, hard, and gorgeous. I associated thin with pretty. Call me shallow, say what you want, but I wanted to be skinny and I although I did not say it outloud I secretly admired the bones in Keira Knightley’s back and wished my thighs never touched. And so I thought , for as long as I can remember.

 But again, my question: Why? What is it about being so fucking skinny that makes you beautiful? Is it a sin, is it ugly if you are a bit chubby, if you “give in” and have dessert? Why must I suffer like every teenage girl in my school for not being able to be like someone? Why teach self confidence, dignity, and self-love if every time I look in the mirror I think, “God, I’m so fat”?

Of course this doesn’t mean that I necessarily dislike dieting. In some ways, dieting in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle could actually be good for you. But the problem is that I always feel deprived, upset, and frustrated because I know I’ll never be Keira Knightley, I won’t be admired for having visible bones sticking out everywhere, and I won’t have to gift of standing straight and not having my damn thighs touch.

I know my bitching and moaning sounds exactly like every other girl out there that condemns dieting for its shallowness and its ability to completely debilatate one’s self esteem.

But you see, despite my moment of clarity and epiphany, I’m not ready to give up dieting yet. As long as I feel like a fatass whenever I’m with my friends, I don’t think I could ever give up trying to be Keira Knightley, Kate Moss, and every other skinny beautiful model out there in the world.

Something is wrong with me. It may be my brain. Or it could just be that I’m fat.

Thanks everyone for the comments, it’s nice to know I’m not doing this alone:) Today was many things, but overall exhausting.

List of things I ate today:

 -Almonds. I kept reaching for these whenever I had a craving! (but a far better cry than chips or chocolate, no?)
-Cereal with soymilk
-Toasted rice crisps
-Lightly seared salmon for dinner

* As a sidenote, today I stopped by Starbucks hoping to get a yummy and light snack such as a yogurt parfait or a chicken sandwich (which by the way is quite tasty and serves well for any meal), but alas, they ran out and I had to resort to a boring-looking salad for a ridiculously overpriced price. End result- I realized that just because everything else in Starbucks is tasty doesn’t mean the salads are.  And the salad still lies in the fridge, barely touched.

 Since today was very hot, I drank a lot of water and orange juice- thank goodness I am not a very big soda person, among other things…

And later when it was cooler in the afternoon I took little Mr. Doggy out for a walk to the park, and around the neighborhood:) Hopefully that burned a lot of calories- by the time I got back I had worked up a nice sweat and my feet were a bit achy, but felt good nonetheless.

…And so today ends with a nice touch- 15 pushups and 20 situps, not very rigorous but I felt like I achieved quite a lot today:)

Good luck to everyone reading this, here’s to becoming slim!

Yours,

Coco

I think I should figure out what’s wrong with my diet.

 I will confess that I am infatuated with carbs. I am a snacker. I am also part vegetarian, although not vegan because I eat fish and eggs. My mother nags me about not eating meat, so occasionally I will have some chicken, white meat.

I think my greatest vice is that damn bag of chips that calls me everytime I watch tv, study for school, or just feel bored. I am also a sucker for pastry, chocolate, all that good stuff. (Well, not so good anymore, eh?)

 And so my post concludes with one thing in mind: stay away from carbs. Although it is not so easy to do so considering your house is stocked full with chips and tempting evils of the like due to the other occupants of the house.

always,

coco

Well, this is new. And exciting. Today is the first day that I will start my journey in losing weight. Of course there is a time limit. Which is this month, before the end of the 31st day of July. I plan on losing at least five pounds-hopefully this blog keeps me motivated to stay on track!

 wish me luck,

coco